The Big Black Hairy Monster under my Table

This is a true story, so beware - It was a late evening and I had spent the day out geocaching to such a degree that I was tired and exhausted. Unfortunately, since I retired from the rat race called work, I tend to stay up until midnight, or as my Mother used to say in the old days, "You've stopped up until the dot on the TV disappeared".

I have the same routine for retiring to my "Boudoir", via the "Salle de Bain" that's the bathroom and bedroom to you mere mortals. I always keep the lights dimmed, probable not wanting to catch sight of myself in the mirrors as the birthday suit does need a bit of an iron. So after stripping off I noticed that my bedside water container was empty and needed topping up, so I made my way to the kitchen through the dinning room just feeling my way around the furniture.

Suddenly I froze, fear gripped me and I took a large step back, there in the semi-light, just under the table was this big hairy monster, I could feel my body chill and my breathing quickened and I know I had to do something. Yes it was the biggest "Aranaide" I have ever seen, this monster was the size of a tea-plate and there was no way I was going to share my little house with it. We are talking S_P_I_D_E_R and I have a total fear of these creatures whether small or large. What on earth do they get up to while we are asleep, do they have wild parties and spin webs while grinning at us all snoozing away in the darkness.

I have a rule in life, I do not kill anything because I think God has a clipboard for all of us and slowly ticks off the creatures we kill. Example (Heather) - 1 fly, 1 ant, 3 spiders and so on. When we finally meet him, out comes the clipboard and depending how many ticks you have he then designated your area of goodness.

I needed to get this monster outside but I had to catch it first. I decided that the large tankard and coaster plan would work so grabbing the largest appliqué tankard and quickly slammed it down on top of this thing. Why appliqué you may ask, well I didn't want it looking at me, I was naked remember, and I didn't need to look at it, horrible thing. I found a large stiff coaster and slid it underneath with a sighed of relief.

Reproduction in daylight.

I needed to go and get some clothes on as I share a courtyard with two other families, I'm sure they wouldn't be impressed if they spotted a naked old pension prancing around outside at 12.30am. in fact they might even order men in white coats to come and take me away. All the time I was dressing I was sure this monster would be lifting up the glass and escaping so I dressed as quickly as possible, haven't a clue what I had put on or whether it was inside out or back to front.

I lifted the glass tankard and coaster at arms length and carefully made my way to the back door, oh dear I had to put this monster down again to get the keys. Walking outside I jumped as my security light flashed on and with the count of : one, two, three, I throw this creature as far away as I could. Usually they have the audacity to run straight at me so I was all prepared. I was getting worried that I might have hurt it, possible trapped one of it's legs under the glass rim because it didn't move at all. I reached for a long stick and prodded my foe but again it didn't bat an eyelid, do they have them?

It looks peaceful in daylight, but not in the darkness.

I was worried now that another big tick was coming my way on God's clipboard, so I went inside to find my glasses that I had taken off ready for bed. I left the stick pointing towards the large spider so that I could locate it. By now it was a quarter to one in the morning so returning to the moonlight yard I got closer and closer, my heart was beating faster and faster, but then I suddenly realised:

I had spent 3/4 hour getting dressed while in terrible fear of this large creature I had caught, I had en-prisoned it, thrown it away without a parachute and finally prodded it to death. Why hadn't it moved became clearer when I found that I had actually captured a large ball of black cotton with strands that had looked like a monster spider. Moral of my story: 

DON'T WALK AROUND IN THE NUDE, WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES ON, WHEN YOUR TIRED.