The Art of becoming a Pensioner - The Beginning

We all remember our children's first day at school, the tears in our eye's as they are pulled away whilst still holding onto our legs and watching as they are dragged away across the playground in tears. We all remember their first day at senior school, smart uniforms and ties, they never look that smart ever again. Then there was their first day going to work and that carefully prepared plastic box full of goodies we gave them for their lunch. You didn't realise how you would spend the next few years shouting at them though their bad hangovers, just to get them to go to work.

You see them get married and your bank balance dwindles in one foul swoop, the grandchildren come along and you are now a full time nursery as they still go out and enjoy themselves. Well blow them all, you've reached that age and you're now classed as a PENSIONER and it's their turn for the tears as you start doing things that will embarrass them all.

There are no lessons in being a pensioner, no school to teach you all those annoying things that pensioners do, it's just like creatures in the wild that watch their elders and copy every movement. Firstly the stance, try and stoop a little and shuffle your feet along making sure that you go in a straight line regardless of anyone in front of you. Today some pensioners are issued with special buggies called scooters which are perfect for knocking over any unexpecting bystander.

To dress as a pensioner is quite skillful, youngster may think you have not planned the outfit but whatever you do DON'T match anything at all. If in difficulty go for the standard tea cosy on the head, knitted cardigan of multi colours and scruffy skirt, making sure your petticoat hangs below the hem. The smelling of moth balls is compulsory but the wearing of the long elasticated pink knickers has been abolished due to the time it takes to remove them when visiting the toilet. Your a pensioner, so remember to remove all the toilet rolls and soap when out and about, this is to keep your own homes stocked up.

An example of how to wind people up without trying, when going through the checkout at supermarkets make sure you take as much time as possible in putting your shopping in the bag. Take some out now and then to rearrange them and importantly take at least 5 minutes rummaging in your purse for that 2p piece that you keep saying to the checkout girl, "I know it's in here somewhere". By now you should just about hear the tutting coming from the queue that has formed behind you, so finally as you go to move on, turn to the girl and tell her all about the scones you are going to make when you get home. Hopefully some may have changed to another checkout whilst others will have started making comments and pointing.

Now I know that there is a lot to take in, and by now you would have forgotten what you were told at the start, so another lesson is sure to come along soon.

Happy grumbling.