The Art of becoming a Pensioner - A Cheap Christmas

Well it's almost here again and us pensioners will be suffering all the stresses that this time can hold, so how can we reduce the worry and costs and get through that Christmas period unscathed.

Stage 1. This should be where your going to spend the day, it's quite easy really, choose a relatives that have the least children and when they say, "Well Granny what are you doing for Christmas this year". Just look down towards the ground and mutter softly, "I don't think I will bother much on my own, perhaps I might get myself a pork chop for dinner". Bingo your in, as they should be taking pity and invite you round to spend the day with them.

Stage 2. Now presents shouldn't be a problem, remember that pack of 7 pairs of socks you got for £3 from Matalan, well thats 7 years of Christmas's taken care of for your Son/Son-in-Law. The bottle of lavender smelly you got at the charity shop for 50p will do nicely for your Daughter/Daughter-in-Law and don't forget an old jigsaw puzzle marked suitable for up to 5 year olds will do for any youngster in the family over 9 years old.

If you buy a book from a charity shop that has a writing inside such as, from Ethel, just mark it again so it reads, Merry Christmas from Grandma and Auntie Ethel, the kids won't know there isn't an Auntie Ethel, will they. Wrapping the presents shouldn't be to expensive as we all remembered to collect last years paper off your gifts and put them away after making sure it's ironing and folded carefully.

Stage 3. On the day arrive just before Christmas dinner, you don't want all that fuss with the kids that goes on in the morning. Eat as much as you can leaving just the sprouts on your plate, at the right moment say, "I just can't eat any more, could you save it for me in a bag to take home for another day, I do like a bit of cold turkey", of course there isn't any meat on your plate, but they should make up a good dogie bag for you to take home.

Stage 4. The boring afternoon should be endured as it's worth the time and effort, finish any tipple you have quickly so that when they offer you another glass you must say, "Oh no I mustn't I will get all tipsy, won't I children", making sure you thrust the glass out in-front of you to be filled again. If the little kids get annoying, just close your eye's for a moment, they will be told to be quiet as Granny is sleeping, watch television out of other eye that they can't see.

Stage 5. Grasp the earliest moment when they ask if you want taking home, making sure you have a very large dogie bag of food, asking politely if they have given you any Christmas cake and minced tarts.

There you go a super Christmas and plenty of food for Boxing Day, remember to iron that wrapping paper for next year.